How to Discuss Your Child's Diagnosis with Your Child

How do we help our children understand their issues and teach them to advocate for themselves? Demystifying a child’s condition—that is, telling children what their issues are and helping them come to grips with it—is an important and often overlooked part of parenting an atypical child.

“Why am I so different?” When it’s time to discuss a child’s diagnosis with that child, there are myriad questions parents generally don’t ask—luckily, our expert beats you to the punch with answers.

For many families, talking to your child about the birds and the bees is not the hardest conversation you will have. For parents of atypical kids, the hard conversation will be the one that answers the question: “What is wrong with me?” “Why am I so stupid?” “Why don’t I have any friends?” or “Why am I so different?”

How do we help our children understand their issues and teach them to advocate for themselves? When and how do we start the process, and when can we begin to expect more self-reliance? This is a cluster of questions that I wish more parents asked.

Over the years, children have come to my office exhibiting a wide range of coping skills. The range of understanding their own strengths and struggles is wide and is not necessarily connected with their cognitive abilities or emotional intelligence. I’ve listened to remarkably eloquent 10-year-olds speak about their dyslexia and how difficult it is for them to read. And I have witnessed hyperactive and restless teens who have no real insight into how they tick. It’s not that they are not interested in learning about themselves; they have never had ‘the talk’ with their parents or a therapist. They have no clue what their diagnosis really means and are often still dependent on others to help them pave their way without having a real understanding of who they are and why they need the help they are receiving.

Sooner or later, though, all children will have to go out into the world and fend for themselves. Kids of all ages are more confident when they have a good understanding of their own needs and have done the hard work to learn to accept their differences.

Demystifying a child’s condition—that is, telling children what their issues are and helping them come to grips with it—is an important and often overlooked part of parenting an atypical child. It can be difficult to approach this subject; layers of defensiveness and avoidance build up over years of struggling so that many children can be unapproachable. Just as some parents have difficulty accepting that their child is different, it is even more challenging to help a child come to terms with his or her difference.    

Kids do not want to be different. And yet, almost all children with a difference—be it a learning disability, ADHD, or autism spectrum disorder, among other issues—understand or sense that they are uniquely challenged. Having ‘the talk’ can help your child get to the next level.

Sometimes, though, we hold back from talking to our children about their diagnosis, hoping they will ‘straighten out’ or become more ‘typical’ so we won’t have to have the inevitably difficult conversation. But if your child is going from therapy to therapy on a weekly basis, he deserves the benefit of a good solid talk to explain what is going on in his brain, and what are some techniques to help him.

In reality, for many families, ‘the talk’ happens in stages, as the child grows and is more able to understand the information and adapt him- or herself to the demands of the larger world.

What Does Your Child Need to Know?

Here are the steps that kids need to go through in order to become fully active in their own care: 

Step 1: Awareness