9 Topics to Discuss With Your Teen About Sex and Dating

Does the thought of talking about the birds and the bees with your kids make you wince? You’re not alone–especially if you get the feeling that your kids don’t want to talk about dating and sex, either. But for both parents and kids, these conversations are part of growing up.

So where and when do you start? For New York parents, this question can seem even more complicated when you think about everything else you have to juggle, all the information your kids have access to, and everything happening in your backyard. One way to make this process easier is to break “the talk” down into smaller sections.

“Talking with teens about dating and sex shouldn’t be one big conversation,” says Jill Whitney, a licensed marriage and family therapist, workshop leader, and author based in Connecticut. “Dating and sex are complex, multi-faceted topics, and each topic merits its own conversation.”

Below are some of the topics you can use as a guide to discuss sex and dating in an informative, frank and comfortable conversation with your kids:
 

Learn what dating means to your teen.

Readiness to date depends on your child's level of maturity and also what "dating" means in your community and your child’s peer group, according to Whitney. Sometimes dating means daily text exchanges and little or no time together in real life. Dating might mean going to the movies with a group of friends or spending a lot of 1-on-1 time together. A young teen might be ready for one version of dating and not for the other.

Find out what’s going on at your teen’s school.

Ask teens what they think about situations at school, Whitney recommends. What happened when those two students broke up? Did they treat each other well? What does your teen think about the sexual language or situations in music or movies? Does it fit real life? Does it reflect the kind of relationship they'd like to have? What do they think about gender roles and expectations at their school? What's different for guys and girls? Do they think that's fair?

The important thing, Whitney says, is “even if your teen doesn't answer your questions, it'll get their gears turning. It also shows that you're willing to talk when they're ready.”

Ask about what’s happening online.

Parents' level of involvement with kids’ use of technology depends partly on their ages. Though you should limit your pre-teen’s Internet and technology access as well as know their passwords, as they get older and demonstrate the ability to make good decisions, they can have more autonomy. You want to transition kids to greater independence as they get closer to college or the working world.

That being said, of course, we can’t ignore that kids, especially young adults, tend to be more tech-savvy than parents. All you can do about this is realize you can't control everything they do online. That's why it's essential to talk regularly about online risks and choices, Whitney counsels. Explain that while sexting may feel fun and flirty, it carries real risks. Make sure kids know that anything they post online is forever, and encourage them to imagine how embarrassing that could be. Emphasize that you expect them to treat others kindly both online and in real life.

Moreover, talk with your kids about the unhealthy tendency for all of us to be tied to devices, ask for their input, then announce limitations that work for your family. The best solution is regular device-free times in the day, where everyone, parents included, is away from their phones.

Remind your teens that friendships are important, too.

Although the idea of their kids dating can be scary to parents, dating is important for young people for many reasons. “Dating helps young people develop relationship skills and learn about themselves and what matters to them,” Whitney says. “Especially in a time where so much interaction is online, there's real value in learning to connect offline with another person.”

To that end, remind your teenager that their friendships still deserve care and attention. As they navigate their love lives, their friendships are likely to change and go through growing pains. As they grow up, you’ll also get to know your children’s best friends. Talk to your kids about dividing their social time wisely, between their partners, friends, and whatever social activities they’re involved in.

Keep in mind the differences between sons and daughters.

Most of the messages you'll convey about sex and dating should be the same for kids of any gender: Treat others with respect, be kind, No means No, relationships should be balanced. But given the cultural messages kids get, you'll want to emphasize different things to boys than to girls.